Slayers Twoflower
by bellreisa
Summary: Have you read Twoflower's Slayers fics? Yes? All right. Do you like them? Yes? Then you probably shouldn't read this. Otherwise, go right on in.


[ Slayers Twoflower ]  
  
epistle one: virtual chaos on the reflective starboard of rebirth  
  
A Slayers Fanfic Series NOT by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne  
  
(Certain characters copyright H. Kanzaka/R. Araizumi,  
obviously. If he ever even considered claiming that those  
were his own characters he'd probably be hailed as savior of  
all that was right and good even if he didn't write anything.)  
  
-=-  
  
In the beginning, there is always a long sentence. A sentence that winds intricately with  
flowing prose and grandiosque descriptions so as to give a feeling of utter loftiness and  
perhaps even an air of seriousness. Grammar may be bad. But that would be attributed to  
stylistic flaws--er, I mean, *quirks*. Yes. A conversational tone is adopted, and the  
story begins, much like the unfolding of the first page in a book.  
  
Upon first glance, one would assume that it was perhaps a novel, or a professional work  
done by a non-professional; after all, it *looked* the part and it certainly sounded more  
interesting than a good deal of other material out there, so why not? There is feeling,  
there is establishment, and there is, of course, a sense that the reader is about to  
embark upon a most pleasurable storytelling experience.  
  
However, there is always the contradictory line.  
  
-=-  
  
The city was just that, a city. Tall buildings spiraled upwards into the sky, completely  
not typical of how cities in this area of the world looked. People walked in the streets;  
stuff happened, things went on, life moved forth. General melodrama ensued. The  
atmosphere is natural and relaxed, which only could mean that something as pratfallish as  
an enormous blast of magical energy slamming into it would occur.  
  
That was exactly what happened to a certain Joe Schmoe, the Designated Victim (in Capital  
Letters, for Capital Letters made things Special and Comical) and otherwise hapless  
merchant to be swindled. The reader asks, whom? Why ask why? (Blatant Product Plug and  
Paranthetical Joke #1) For we all know who it is already; after all, it cannot be a  
Slayers fanfiction without the quote-unquote main character of Slayers itself...  
  
Scant over five feet tall red cape purple top yellow pants fiery red hair determined  
smirk run on nonsensical sentence flapping cape oh wait I already said that I think I'm  
beginning to lose them Irv let's get back to the story shall we Lina Inverse.  
  
"Sorry 'bout that!" she chirped, skipping over and looking for all the world as if she  
should be engaging in Other Things besides the hapless destruction of small towns.  
  
Joe Schmoe was not pleased. This rather blatantly-obvious statement was made to lead in  
to the next paragraph in a way that is not technically sound but makes for a mental  
chuckle when read in the confines of a small room or a public library while logging in at  
Hotmail.com. (Remember, it's Funny if it's In Capitals and it's Something We Know About  
In The Real World). He shoved a bunch of pots and pans aside and was opening his mouth to  
protest when something red and golden was shoved in his face.  
  
When the more perverted connotations of that sentence passed by, the story moved on. Lina  
skipped off to engage in activity, unaware of the Big Evil Things lurking in the  
background waiting to happen.  
  
Oh, and here is the Ominous One Liner Sentence.  
  
"What about the foreshadowing dialogue?" Joe Schmoe said, smiling to himself.  
  
-=-  
  
This begins with a single sentence.  
  
The next paragraphs detail what the hell I meant by that single sentence, which is  
usually a shock statement meant to elicit confusion or a chuckle upon parsing. The  
paragraph is also most likely intermingled with bits of sarcastic prose and cheerful  
glossing-over of trivial details such as the world being destroyed to acheive a  
non-chalant feel that supposedly conveys the mood of the author and perhaps the overall  
tone of Slayers--if not the fandom, then the fanfiction world, all of which seems to be  
comprised of a solitary author, a devastated computer, and hours of playing video games.  
  
Zoom out to the dialogue exchanged between Lina and Her Cohorts: the brawling sidekick,  
the obligatory fanservice, the stoic "what the hell am I doing here?" type, the fruity  
"life is short, laugh hard!" type, and the "I can be easily defined into one sentence  
inside quotes because I have the personality of a pipe wrench" type.  
  
"So, what should we do now, Lina?" Brawling Sidekick said.  
  
"I don't know," Lina said. "Look, the situation here is that someone is definitely out to  
make caricatures of us. The question is, who? I mean, there's just so many suspects I can  
come up with. What do you think, Fanservice?"  
  
"Wai! I have the brain of a walnut, the breasts of a watermelon, and the dress of  
Jennifer Lopez! Wai wai!" chirped Fanservice, thus fulfilling Blatant Pop Culture  
Reference breadth requirements.  
  
"BAKA!" Lina barked, knocking her upside the head with a fist. Not her fist, mind you;  
just a random disembodied fist that happened to be lying around for purposes of Comic  
Relief. "Don't you know that only *I* can use fanboy sayings such as 'wai' and 'ne'? Do  
that again and I'll Ultimate Super Duper Whingbangbazz Nifty Magic Blast you."  
  
Fanservice pouted in a lolicon fashion. Despite the fact that lolicon is a decidely  
sexual term not meant to be casually applied onto any character who has all the charm of  
a eight-year old girl on crack, and that its original meanings have been lost amidst the  
crowds, it still looked cute and scrumptious. "Ne, Lina-san..."  
  
One Ultimate Super Duper Whingbangbazz Nifty Magic Blast and a presumed statement that  
was omitted for purposes of--you guessed it, Comic Relief--later, Fanservice was left  
sprawled on the ground in an unnecessarily gratuitous pose which showcased a good deal of  
T&A, B&B, and other acronyms so as to preserve the apparent purity of the author. After  
all, it would not to for him to admit to Fanservice's true purpose.  
  
"This is moronic," Stoic muttered. "We've been sitting here waiting for dialogue but all  
I see is Fanservice's ass. Since I'm Stoic and stuff, I also have no sexual desire."  
  
"Oh! Join me on the Chiquita side!" Fruity said. "If you do, you'll receive a two-for-one  
bonus and turn into an uber-badass later on at the expense of any characterization you  
would have received!"  
  
"Let me think about it," Stoic muttered. It was all he could do; his vocal cords were  
stuck on eternal muttering.  
  
"All right," he said a moment later. And so they cavorted off to be Evil and Stuff.  
Capitals. Funny.  
  
Pipe Wrench timidly spoke up in a quiet voice that was really quiet and could not be  
heard five feet away from her face because she was quietly quiet. "Ano, Lina..."  
  
One Ultimate Super Duper Whingbangbazz Nifty Magic Blast did not occur.  
  
You were not supposed to notice that at first so go back and read. Remember to skip this  
sentence the second time. Wait, if you read it, you didn't skip. Go back, get along, and  
try again.  
  
Lina looked over at Pipe Wrench. The poor girl was probably terrified, being around a  
terrifying whirlwind of hellish magic and of course, Lina herself. Fanservice sprawled  
out on the ground probably didn't do much to help, either. "Yes, Pipe Wrench"? Lina said,  
making extra sure not to harm her.  
  
"Um... ano..." Pipe Wrench managed, proving her fluency in two languages and one word.  
  
"Well? What? C'mon, I don't have all day."  
  
Pipe Wrench apologized hastily and tried again. "Lina-san... where's Brawling Sidekick?"  
  
Lina looked around. And around. And around. And around. And around. And around. And  
around. And around. And around. And around. And around. And around. And around. And  
around. And around. And around. And around. And around. And around. And around. And  
around. And around. And around. And around. And around. And around. And around. And  
around. And around. And around. And around. And around. And around. And around. And  
around. And around. And around. And around. And around. And around. And around. And  
around. And around. And around. And around. And around. And around. And around. And  
around. And around. And around. And around. And around. And around. And around.  
  
And around. And around. And around. And around. And around. And around. And around. And  
around. And around. And around. And around. And around. And around. And around. And  
around. And around. And around. And around. And around. And around. And around. And  
around.  
  
And after a few hours and/or days of decisively concluding that, indeed, Sidekick was  
absolutely, positively and other very strong adjectively no where in sight, she gave up.  
But by this time, Pipe Wrench was gone as well.  
  
-=-  
  
"I'm being fruity and evil! I'm like James Rocket gone bad!" Fruity Chiquita yodeled.  
"Wait--I mean *more* bad! Euehehehehehehe!"  
  
Stoic sulked. "This sucks," he muttered.  
  
-=-  
  
Look, a fetch quest! It has nothing to do with the story and is inserted for purposes  
of cramming in more Pop Culture References that are supposed to be funny! And, of  
course, to see Fanservice in a bikini. Let me see that thong!  
  
If it weren't so well-written this could almost be a classic RPG! Final Oxymoron for  
the Jupiter! Booyaka!  
  
Fetch quest over, thing is retrived, jokes are played, whoopie cushions went galooping  
around in the air and a good time was had by all.  
  
-=-  
  
Meanwhile, the Bad Guy Villains and the Hot Evil Villainess are off doing Bad Things.  
  
A glib very cool original character with glib a weird way glib of talking glib and  
absolutely glib no personality glib descriptors glib shows up glib according to a glib  
singular appearance glib in glib canon. She does Cool Stuff and Has a Rivalry with  
Someone. She Can Also Speak In Capitals Like So. By Definition She Should Be A Barrel Of  
Laughs But She Is Not. Not Usually Anyways.  
  
Yes, Lina, That Was A Burrito I Had For Lunch.  
  
-=-  
  
La la la. This is the point in the story when there are no fight scenes, no naked girls  
(or rock-carved chimeras), no Neato Magic or Technology or Both, no Cool-Ass Original  
Character or Sarcasm-Ridden Text Gags to show off. Thus, the prose begins to drag and  
really become boring. It is remedied in a plain fashion by an attempt to be serious, but  
it isn't possible, seeing as how the atmosphere of Very Funny and Taking Stuff For  
Granted for the purposes of--YES, YOU GUESSED IT! Comic Relif--has already been  
established and is thus inconsistent with whatever is being presented now.  
  
Oh, and remember to Live La Vida Loca. It's the cheese.  
  
-=-  
  
It's a big fight and I don't know what's going on prose is whacked and a big fight is  
going on somehow I think I'm supposed to keep track of this it's like Xenogears but like  
not as cool and with no naked bishounen guys with whips and blinded Evangelions bad  
ending Anno chickened out train of thought is mighty which will the fountain bless  
Sinatra makes for interesting writing music Beloved thought like this hated that book oh  
whatever when should I end things being tossed around and magic being cast but somehow  
it's not wiggly it's Orderly Ceipheed booyaka and laliho the originals were good and got  
worst proceeding into what has been done has been done so now there is only going forward  
lack of research the sparrows are flying again solid block of text running straight down  
the page Lazar Garden FFML yay booyaka nifty make it mine the 3 shifted into a 4 has he  
finished the chicken balls Ultra is weird but not at all unfunny more H Flash fanart  
compile the rules rising chair strike or something less Slayers more Lain koi wa doki  
doki tsukedo Love's Angel all the way am I real excuse me who are you Improfanfic  
gratuitous pop references am I confusing you why are you reading this okay I think I'm  
done now. Zeitgeist.  
  
Hidden HTML tag. Well, not really, it's just small and hard to read.  
  
And they lived happily ever after.  
  
-=-  
  
[Author's Notes: Don't take this too seriously. ^_^]  
  



End file.
